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Golf Poem
In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, And Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By Its Size I Could Not Guess
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I’ve Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End;
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry,
And Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises Me A Thing Called Par,
If I Hit It Straight And Far.
To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It’s Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows … I’ll Be Back Tomorrow.Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs
And losers of balls!A recent study found that the average golfer
Walks about 900 miles a year.Another study found that golfers drink, on
Average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.This means that, on average, golfers get about
41 miles to the gallon!
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EMC January 2016
Donald Trump Fan
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Donald Trump fans.
Not really knowing what a Donald Trump fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different…
Little Johnny said, “Because I’m not a Donald Trump fan.”
The teacher asked, “Why aren’t you a fan of Donald Trump?”
Johnny said, “Because I’m a Democrat.”
The teacher asked him why he’s a Democrat.
Little Johnny answered, “Well, my Mom’s a Democrat and my Dad’s a Democrat, so I’m a Democrat.”
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, “If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, “That would make me a Donald Trump fan.”
Â
Metro 31 December 2015
Midnight in Singapore.
Happy New Year Slingers.
May 2016 bring love, happiness and health to you all
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Â
Does Fons ever not smile ? Does Billy ever ? Is Mikey really older than dirt ?
Only sane person at the table is Matt
Happy Thanksgiving my American friends. 
May you all have a wonderful day, far too much to eat and time with those who mean the most to you.
Radar 22 November 2015
The King is dead……Long live the Queen!!!
CalSurfer ______________
EMC September 19 2015
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Jonah and the Whale:
A little girl was talking to her teacher about Jonah and the Whale
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they are a huge mammal their throat was very small.
The little girl stated Jonah was swallowed by a Whale.
The teacher reiterated a Whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible.
The little girl said “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah is in hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.
Think carefully before challenging a child
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____________September 4 2015 
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, ‘Esther, I’d really like to ride in that helicopter.’
Esther always replied, ‘I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars’
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, ‘Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.’
To this, Esther replied, ‘Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’
The pilot overheard the couple and said, ‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.’
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, ‘By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!’
Morris replied, ‘Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!’
Just found this in my email. I will dedicate this one to Metro and all the work see does for the tree house!!
EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn’t get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father’s business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure He was God
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all – 3 proofs that Jesus was a WOMAN:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.
The picks can go hang for all they matter to me; spicing it up is not an added attraction. Â Maybe you need to establish once and for all by name (email?) who wants the status quo and who likes different formats and by extension who comes in here because of the picks and who doesn’t. Â I’m not suggesting that a majority opinion means sticking by one format by any means – maybe playing the percentage game between status quo/spice? Â I’ll still participate as the leader board is good for taking the mickey out of anyone below me in the table, or for having the mickey taken out of me by anyone above. Â Actually I’ve quite missed all the banter about what happens in the cellar so it’s bloody well time the coyote moved his arse out of there and let somebody else wander round there poking in corners, Â pushing buttons marked “Do not touch”, clearing out the fridge contents, etc. Â I was quite thrilled the first time I found myself down there. Â Not so much now though. Unless you’ve restocked the wine cellar? Â 
I do find less conversation in here of late.  I’m still playing golf on a regular basis, but receive very little comment when I post about my games, which means I post less and less detail as a result. Our old friend Easing was sometimes a pain in the arse, but he did contribute/suggest threads.  Haven’t seen anything  from anyone other than you for ages.  Maybe you could remind everyone that they would be most  welcome to do a thread.  I’d love to hear from the latest Slingers who joined about their favourite courses, their best shot, their worst shot, their introduction to golf, their most entertaining golf story for example.
I’ve never had a problem with the cut & thrust in here.  If I dish it out, it’s only right that I should be able to take it.  I don’t feel disagreeing with someone’s opinions is a personal attack on them & it’s sad if anyone feels that’s the case.  Some feel that discussing e.g. politics, cultural differences, etc, should be a  no no on here,  but frankly I can’t think of a better vehicle (less threatening /friendly) for discovering & trying to understand where the other person is coming from.  Enough – I need a glass of wine:-)
Plus the match against the old bastards, aka The Vets, tomorrow morning.
I had jury duty today, Donald Trump had jury duty this week also. Â A rare instance when I got paid the same as the Don.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I stink at poems
Beer!
Sweet Dreams are made of this.
Who am I to Dis a Brie.
Can’t live up to 8ed’s club championship performance, BUT………I have a trophy. 
 Yup, I won the Houghton Cup today, (Honours Board – yahoo!) so I shall not go winless for the year.  Field of 30; some very good players in there,  so I am delighted.  Helps when one doesn’t score a 10 on the 2nd hole of course as I did in the 2nd round of the club championship.  Parred all the par 3s, got a shitty 8 on the par 5 14th,  but played pretty steadily otherwise.  Couldn’t stay to hear the results at the time as I had an  appointment with my dentist for an xray on a tooth abscess.  Double win, as I have a stay of execution on the extraction due to the penicillin kicking in so well.
Surrendered the club championship very tamely yesterday.  Was 3rd gross and 2nd nett after 1st round.  There is no beating the dreadful Lesley gross as she is too good a player, and is driving longer and more accurately than ever before.  She is one of the very few lady players who can reach all the par 4s in two.  (Despite spending 2 hours on the putting green before before teeing off yesterday, she missed quite a few putts during the round – ha!  I teed off with the dreadful Lesley and Sue  B, who was 2nd gross and 1st nett.  I knew 
I would have to play well under my h/c to stand a chance of beating Sue.  We all bogeyed the par 3 1st which frankly isn’t that bad.  None of us like starting a round with a par 3 hole anyway.  All hit respectable tee shots at the dog leg par 4 2nd, Lesley deciding to lay up with her 2nd shot as the wind was swirling quite a bit.  Sue B and I hit our usual 2nd shots to just in front of the ditch before the raised green.  Big error of judgement on my part as instead of chipping over the ditch onto the green as I usually do,  I decided to half swing a wedge (well, I had been practising that shot and it was working fairly well).  Disaster: jabbed it into the ditch.  Bigger error of judgement on my part; ball was “playable” (plugged!) but I lunged at it twice, missing completely, a red mist descended as I retreated back across the ditch and I ended up with a 10.  Game over.  Calmed down and parred next three holes.  On the difficult 6th (SI index 2), had bad lack and just trickled off the green into a bunker where it came to rest just under the lip,  held there nicely by the rake.  Whatever was I thinking of?  Under rule 24 -1 b I could have removed the obstruction and dropped the ball into a flat part of the bunker.  Instead I thought I had to mark the ball, remove the obstruction and replace the ball.  I knew there was no way I could lift the ball  over the lip as there was a hole in the bank immediately behind/above my ball and I would have just whacked it into that hole.  I opted to go back and replay from the last position, with penalty.  On the next hole, I hit a good drive, and a far too long 3 wood (great strike!) which went straight into the bunker in front of the green.  I’m happy hitting out of that 
particular bunker. Â We looked everywhere for my ball but couldn’t see it. Â Eventually Sue B hooked it out of a deep hole just under the lip of the bunker. Â Wish I could claim this hole was made by a burrowing animal but frankly it has been there forever, and I’ve never seen any evidence of paw marks. Â Parred next two holes & even outscored them both on the back 9. Â Final result was that I was 3rd behind them both, gross and nett. Â That’s quite a result when you have a 10 on the 2nd hole of a round, no? Â Oh, even if I took 5 shots off for the mishaps at the 2nd, 6th & 7th holes, the result would have been the same, so both worthy winners. Â Dammit:-)
Max said someone should make a comment to Met about the header so I had some time and read it. Nice job Met, I seem to remember reading once that Walter Hagen had said that no one beats him in match play and he was just about right. He won four PGA championships in a row when it was a match play tourney. In 1920 he was not allowed 
toenter the clubhouse of the (British) Open because they didn’t allow professionals (they looked down on like they were prostitutes) so he hired a chauffeur and rented a Pierce-Arrow to take him to the tourney and dressed in the expensive car to the dismay of the class conscience Brits. He would win another tourney in England that year and refuse to go inside the clubhouse to get his prize because they had not allowed him in during the tourney. Walter developed clubs for Wilson when Bobby Jones was doing the same for Spaulding which began the first sets of matching clubs for the general public. Walter made professional golf respectable and Gene Sarazen said every pro golfer “should say a silent thanks to Walter Hagen each time they stretch a check between their fingers”. If the “Western” Open was considered the major that it really was in those days (because there was no “Master’s” yet) then Walter would be second only to Jack in the number of majors that he won. Walter Hagen (from a working class family at a time when the Elite thought that only the Elite should be playing golf) helped make golf available to everyone and changed the perception of a “professional” from a dirty word to someone who should be respected for being the best at what they do.
use a modified Stableford scoring system where an eagle is 8 points, a birdie 4, a par 2 and a bogey gets you 1 point. Anything worse you get 0 and like it! Last week I took first place with 27 points +6 for me at the time. This past Saturday I took first again with 28 points. I also keep track of my actual score and shot 46 on the front, earning only 8 points. I bogeyed the first 5 holes and had 3 three putts, lipped out two of them after I was making everything on the practice green. (Seems to work out that way all too often.)  After getting a nice double on number 9, I changed balls because apparent;y the stupid ball I was using on the front nine had a phobia of falling into holes. Well I shot 36 on the back with 2 bogeys, 2 birdies and 5 pars. I even had a 3 putt par on the par 5 11th hole after I blasted the long uphill eagle putt 20 feet past the hole. I actually had to make a 10 footer for par too. After that I did not miss a putt until the 18th. I made a 60 foot putt with 12 feet of break on the par 3 13th. After I hit a chip that nearly holed out on 12. I swear I probably made over 100 feet of putts on the back 9. I had another chip on 15 that ended up 6 inches from the hole. Ironically I my 2 birdies on the back were on the par 3s. I bogeyed 8 because I missed the 15 footer for par. I just couldn’t get the read right and the ball  broke the other way. But I was pleased with my scrambling for the whole back 9 because my tee shots weren’t the best. I was killing it off the tee on the front 9 except for the two holes I got doubles on. Funny fecking game.
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CalSurfer 20 February 2016
Well Jackie-boy (no not the golden bear) list of accolades just keep mounting. Winning Pebble with OMeara really opened his eyes. He just played in the US Amateur qualifier at the Presidio in San Francisco. After day one he was in 34th position. The top 64 out of 168 entries would advance to match play. WELL….. JACK finished 17th. Go get em Jack. He’s headed to the match play rounds now……